a new leaf

maybe it was mostly because it was unexpected. the whole thing unexpected, and the end came sharp like an accidental slip of the knife that brings bright red pouring out before you even realize you hurt. it was like that twice, but more so the second time as though I should have seen it or felt it an instant before.

I’m not sure how to tangle it out just yet, but parts of me feel light and parts feel deep and painful, like I should hide them for a little while until the ouch is ready to be exposed to the glaring lights.

It’s good, the right thing and the right choice. I must be growing up, not taking the easy way out, and I’m not quite sure when that changed.

I want to do some things while the spotlight of my life is pointed only at me.

1. I want to love my plants, watch them grow and change. I want more plants, little green sprouting anomalies that are different each day.

2. I want to learn how to feel sadness straight on without the cover of distractions. I want to be able to breathe into it and realize that it is so much better to feel so strongly than to mute it and repress it.

3. I want to live in a new city, discover secret treasure maps that other people have created around their favorite places and try them on to see how they fit. I want new adventures that make me grow and change me into more of myself. I need to be out of my comfort zone so that my zone can stretch.

4. I want to spend time writing and reading and creating. I want to indulge myself, see what I have been thinking and feeling while I’ve been busy doing other things instead.

5. I want to spend more time surrounded by trees and water and grass. Bike rides and camping and late night walks that remind me of simple things and how happy they make me.

6. I want to celebrate my friends who are finding and living love. I want to experience their happiness alongside them and watch as they learn each other, while encouraging and supporting them.

I have lots of plans, except a plan for how to take the next step. I think it will come, and I’m not going to force it. I am going to just cry when I need to, sleep more and eat more. I’m going to make dinner with my friends and dance in my underwear just because it’s hot outside and it feels good to move. I’m going to sing at the top of my lungs every time I am in my car. I am going to drag my friends to karaoke and show them how much fun it can be. I’m going to swim in the lake, swing in the park and sit on rooftops.

I’m going to be single.