last night

I thought maybe this was actually going to be one of the last moments of my life. I don't think I have ever felt that stark reality before, which may partially explain what happened directly after that thought presented itself in my head.

I was buzzed and biking, going to get food and blowing off some steam. I know I've been cracking lately, there's just been a lot that I've allowed to lean on top of me and the weight is just not balanced correctly. I was biking and shouting, shouting in general at life and frustrations and letting the wind carry away my words.

I don't even know what the exact events were that happened right before, but the truck was right next to me. It could have grazed my elbow it was so close, maybe it did, maybe I was just close enough to losing it for absolutely no reason and this truck was merely reason enough. I reacted, strongly, with the force of a week's worth of turmoil and letdown. I reacted so strongly I could barely see. One person's strong reaction on a bike is one thing, but it is entirely different when the strong reciprocal reaction happens in a truck. He drove onto the sidewalk and whipped the fastest u-turn I have ever seen. The headlights whipped around and snapped into a direct path aimed at me. I don't know how I reacted. It was like a rage filled auto pilot took over my body. I hopped onto the side walk and off of my bike, a part of me thought that if I was next to a pole it would at least fuck up the truck more than my body bouncing off of the bumper would. He screeched to a stop in front of my and my entire body was shaking. I wanted with all of my might to throw my bike at his truck, but I had just fixed it up and didn't have the heart to and so I stepped up to his window and shook it in his face and screamed everything and anything and I can't now pinpoint a single word of it. He whipped another u-turn and I thought he was about to back over me when he gunned it and drove off.

It was probably five seconds, or fifteen, but it felt like the cliched time stopping pivotal moment. I had never thought much about the life-flashes-before-your-eyes moment, but I remember thinking that my mom was right. That I was silly for getting so angry at people who could so easily kill me with the push of an accelerator and the turn of a wheel. I remember thinking that this was a ridiculous way to die.

a new case

So I am getting my second case soon, pending only on my ability to pick one out and claim it. It's an odd thing, shopping for a child you think you could help while shifting past all the ones that you didn't pick, or didn't want to think too much about or just didn't have enough time for. It makes me wonder what happened to the kids that I don't pick. I read three sentences that describe the worst things that have ever happened to these children and then I just keep scanning down the page. It's odd because you have to develop a criteria for yourself for the kids to have. Mine goes loosely like this: younger child, so that I can meet with them during the school day, only one or two on the petition so that I have enough time to address all of the concerns, and any abuse other than sexual. I just don't think I am ready to help a defenseless child deal with the trauma and repercussions of sexual abuse yet. Any that don't meet those criteria I pass by, but not before I rubberneck a little and feel a tiny bit hollower.