changing

As my last few days left in Duluth trickle away this week, I thought I should catch you up to present as well as I could.  I always think that I love change, but actually when you microscope up to it, I am not so sure that I do.  I love the part of change that occurs after the chaos and the turbulence of the actual event settles out.  I love the sense of adventure after I have found my comfortable place in the new.  What I don't like is the actual changing, and what I like even less is the lead up.  When something in my life is about to change, I react by either pushing all thought of it from my mind, or pulling it very close to my heart and gripping it tightly in an effort to quickly, quickly, quickly absorb all of the parts that I might forget when it is gone or may have missed while it was here. 

I do that with all sorts of things.  When JP was getting ready to fly back to Maine the day after we arrived in Duluth, it was like there was a stream of giddy anxiety flowing from my brain.  It was as though I had to BOND with him in an important way, but also in an extremely sped up dimension of reality.  QUICKLY, LET US INTELLIGENTLY CEMENT THE FABRIC OF OUR ENTIRE LIFETIME TOGETHER, AND LET US DO THAT IN FIVE MINUTES OR LESS.  I get flighty thoughts and my heart picks up to a faster rate while I try to compensate for the inevitable loss in the balance that had previously existed.

I do the same thing when I am coming to the end of a book that I love.  My brain gets irrational and I feel like I should read each word s.o. v.e.r.y. s.l.o.w.l.y to make the book last longer, and at the same time I let my eyes flit to the bottom of the right hand page so that the fast part of my brain can know glimpses of what will s.l.o.w.l.y. be delivered to it in just a few moments.  It's like wanting to relish in a single moment while experiencing all of the moments. 

I feel like all of those things when I think about changing back to my real life in Maine.  I've been in an alter dimension of my life for the past six weeks, and this dimension has been incredibly great!  I've gotten to see a side of my parents that I have never seen before.  I am old enough now to really appreciate all that they do for me,, and really value having a long interrupted amount of time having them all to myself.  For the first time in my life, returning home meant less about the familiar teenage feelings of perceived stifled autonomy, and more about finding new ways to connect myself to these two individuals that I really don't know as well as I think I do. 

I don't know when in life people ever get to return back to their parents home for the kind of experience I was able to have, and that's unfortunate, because this visit really felt like more then the hum drum routine of life.  I feel like this was the prefect send off for the next part of my life, as the wife of my best friend.  I won't be gone, or given away, but more like how I picture things happening in an older time frame, nesting at home before I embark on this new path in my new home.

Oh sentiment.  You crazy, crazy.  So, that is all for now.