rotating belize

MAN.  I think mostly my life has been a whirlwind for awhile now, and I have whirled within it to adapt, but coming home from 90 degrees and humid Belize to the chaos of freezing cold family Christmas time in New England has been other worldly!

The chaos, chaos, chaos of just prior to leaving, between commuting to Bangor and switching from night shift to day shift and back again, packing and repacking, giving thanks, breaking (gluten free) bread, squeezing in family and friends and puppies.  I wasn't fully prepared for the entire Belize experience before it happened.  But at which point in my prior overseas travels could I ever really say differently.  I am a master at chaotic lead ups to change.  A type A over-organizer with an international blind spot.

There are often times that I don't realize the real truth of something I have said until a good while after I've said it..  Talking with my mom a few days ago I had one of those experiences.  I often struggle a lot, when I come home from abroad, trying to find the right words or phrases to capture things correctly.  The inevitable inquiries get asked often enough, and every time I feel trapped by trying to fit the enormity of an entire experience into a few short statements.  My brain flashes to a million small moments that, when seen together, seem to perfectly bring the experience together, but I never know how to capture that with just a few adjectives. 

I know that's just me, I like to state things succinctly, hopefully with some tinge of wry humor, and wrap the entire thing up nicely with a bow before deflecting to something else.  Slap hands, case closed.  Relaying travel experiences, though, is often the time where I can't quite sum it up right.  I casually told my mom that during the time I was in Belize, I felt more like myself then I had in years. I'm sure I said that flippantly, and would have moved right on if it hadn't struck me that that was the truth.  And what a sad, strange thing to be a truth!

It seems in life that I've not really felt like myself for awhile, but between all the things, it was an easy thing not to notice.  During PA school I've been this weird, wonked out, anxiously tight wrapped and strapped down version of a compressed Elise, held together with the glue of thousands of studying hours, swaths of tears and thinly veiled fears of complete and utter failure.  I've felt squashed in and cooped up, reining myself in in order to buckle down and learn this craft.  The irony being that even though that sounds like a horrible existence, I have found what I love to do!  I've seriously found it.  I love practicing medicine, it feels absolutely right for me and I wouldn't trade it for anything, but I am now realizing what an unhealthy balance I've been shelving out for myself, and realizing even more how unsustainable that approach is if I hope to retain a semblance of me at the end of this process.  And I very much do!

Our belizean home that existed within the slowest most spotty internet connection, coupled with the lack of space in my pack to accommodate any textbooks, combined forces to create this weird space in time where outside of clinic I didn't feel guilty just lounging around catching up on fun reading, talking late into the night with new found soul mates, playing card games around the dinner table, cooking, reviewing interesting patients from the day in clinic, swimming, swimming, swimming and going for bike rides to town.

And dancing.  Do you know how long it's been since I danced?  Just had fun and cut loose and remembered how much of a necessity it used to be to my entire life and being that I move my body in space every day?  It was like a free pass away from the heaviness that I seem to think is necessary to accurately reflect the seriousness of my education.  What a silly concept for someone who is usually just a sidestep away from a joke at any given moment!  And how nice to have the opportunity to view it from the outside, and to give myself an option for change!

Prior to the start of this trip, I was apprehensive about a lot of things, but one big thing was that I would be practicing medicine in a foreign country with some classmates of mine that, even though we spent almost every single day together, I knew very little about. We each pitted out our own paths last year to get through each section, and for me that meant ample time with my two best studying gals, and the remainders going to time with my family.  I work best in small, likeminded groups, and so that's what I did as I plowed endlessly forward.  But in doing that I excluded so much!

In Belize I found such amazing, individual personalities right in my own group of classmates.  We had a wonderful time getting to know each other after almost two years of being acquainted, and it was just right!  I now count amongst my friends this group of amazing women who will be capable, strong medical providers in less than five short months, and I am so grateful to have met them!

In any case, what a beautiful life-changing experience I was fortunate enough to be a part of.  I feel changed and stretched, and remarkably also as though I've snapped right back to myself.  I'm going to take care to not lose sight of that.

But guys! I forgot to tell you about the trip! Shhhhhh. Instead I somehow took you on a rambling ramble of the thoughts in my head under the title of another, but there is more to be said and much more to be shown.  For now I think this post is what it needs to be, as random and mismashed as it is.  For later I will bring you with me into some photos that capture a little more of the experience.  I'll try to choose wisely, and hopefully you'll come away with a small piece for yourself.  And dear lord, please dance more. I promise that I will too.